I have a message for those of you who went to see Terminator 3 this weekend: Suckers! All y’all!
Futuristic robots are soooo 1992!
Neo-Zombies are where it’s at!
Without giving away too much of anything here: 28 Days Later.* Damn fun movie.
That is, if your kind of fun involves a lot of gore and blood all pixilated DV-style. Which I have just discovered, mine does.
Oh, sure, I’ve always been a fan of the apocalyptic flicks in general, but you know, the bible’s version makes no mention of zombies! Zombies are a good time. The zombie movie deserve your money. Go see the zombie movie.
But make sure you are prepared for the aftermath because you know, I wasn’t really all that scared during the actual movie. Oh no. The scaredy cat in me didn’t come out until two days later when a big ass thunderstorm decided to roll on in. You know, up late, alone and apparently enough time on my hands to come up with a few handy hints. Feel free to print out and keep in your purse for later use.
Quick and Easy Zombie Survival Guide
1. Leave the lights on. Zombies like the dark. Zombies will not enter your brightly lit apartment. A few thousand-watt floodlights should do. And no whining about electric bills. Is a few hundred bucks a month worth your piece of mind? I thought so.
2. Better leave the TV on just in case. Zombies hate late night infomercials and just the sound of Tony Robbins’ baritone voice or the shrill whine of the Sewing Genie ™ are sure to keep ‘em running right past your door to the neighbor’s up the hall.
3. Sure, you can lock your doors. Anyone can lock their doors but there are not many skilled in the Art Of Barricading any longer. Finally put that generic stair master or treadmill you bought on teevee to good use and place it in front of any entrance; that should buy you enough time to escape out the window once the zombies come crashing through.
4. Don’t bother with 911. Your local PD’s been too busy writing out tickets to skateboarders and hookers to even begin to know how to handle the undead.
5. Finally, be aware that zombies are most likely to forgo doors all together and crash through any nearby glass window so that whole barricading thing? Well, that is really just for peace of mind. Forget all of those antiquated zombie cliques learned from Night of The Living Dead; today’s zombies are fast little buggers, they are practically bionic so the best thing to do really, is make sure you have a motorcycle and a bunch of Luna Bars ™ on standby so you can make your quick escape through the streets of hell on earth because a car won’t get you anywhere, you will definitely need a fast and fuel efficient motorcycle to maneuver around all of the burning carnage left in the middle of the streets until you can find a nice little abandoned farm house in which to hide until the zombies all kill each other off and it is safe to re-enter the world and rebuild again. And well, the Luna Bars™? Well, they’re just good stuff, you should just always have those around no matter what.
* not to be confused with the Sandra Bullock romantic rehab comedy of a similar name 28 Days. That is a totally different sort of horror flick all together.