My car – it looks like a salt lick. I expect cows or sodium-deficient animal life to come out of nowhere wagging their tongues when I drive by.
We had a bit of snow awhile back.
This community I live in has like, this ridiculously-rich tax base ** where they don’t seem to know exactly what to do with all of the money so they send out community letters all the time letting me know how safe their water is, where I can buy snow globes and just how much they care.***
And everyone drives expensive cars and things so once like, a flake of snow is seen in the sky by some sort of volunteer spotter through some fancy ass binoculars in some huge solid-gold community weather tower they sound an alarm so the convoy of plow trucks know to start salting the road all crazy so none of the middle-aged-crisis-men tooling around town in their Alfa Romero’s with their mistresses’ hands in their laps don’t get in any accidents sparing their trophy wives stuck at home a late night phone call and long explanation from the accident police while Ashley and Blake are tucked safely away in bed.
Which is why my car looked like a salt lick.
And since I am plain lazy, I took her through the fancy-ass car wash today.
Fancy ass= pay a little extra and they’ll dry it for you! What a treat!
So, I paid my money and I was all ready to kick it for a little bit in the cool car wash of yesteryear that lets you slip her in neutral and let her ride.
So, I am coating in super-slow motion as the water sprays and sprays and I feel like I am the only person in the world coasting through the watery mist and listening to Morphine and even though I am relaxed I keep a watchful eye because I am totally expecting the Aqua-Monsters to appear through the water and press their monster-noses up against the glass and drag me off to become one of them – forever taunting the people of the community in their expensive cars who always pay the big money to have someone else dry off their car.
At any rate, it was a relaxing 3.2 minutes until the water cleared and through the mist and sunlight I could see them.
No, not the Aqua-Monsters but an army of young men with towels waiting to get their hands on my car!
All of the sudden they were on her all wiping her down and rubbing her off while I sat there helpless and it was just creepy! I felt like one of those women in those horrible Herbal Essence you’ve got the urge commercials!
And that, my friends, is a whole lot scarier than Car Wash Aqua-Monsters.
** One of my favorite activities is to bitch about where my tax dollars are going in public when there’s like, a crack in the side walk – just because it’s funny because I do not contribute to said fancy-ass tax base in any considerable way at all. Po’ is fun!
*** remind me one day, to tell you about the Customer Satisfaction Survey I was sent after I called 911. For. Real. They've got that kinda money and time.