After a year of living in this place, I finally cleaned out my midget closet * and let me tell you…
It’s like Christmas in July here at ann-frank.diaryland.com!
Yeah, I know I already own the stuff, it’s not like someone filled the closet with cash, set it all fluttering with a fan and locked me in there to see how many Benjamin’s I could grab in sixty seconds, but man.
When I moved in a year ago, I stuffed a bunch of stuff in this huge closet, then piled a bunch of other crap on top of it throughout the year, thus forgetting the hidden treasure!
Ok, so it’s not so much hidden treasure, as it is an archeological dig through the life and times of ann-frank.
Going through the strata, some of the more interesting items include:
1. An entire box full of wires and other electronic-doohickey-type-thing-a-ma-bobs I have no idea what they belong to, but they look important so I am apparently holding onto them for the “just in case”.
***** Including the cord/control box for the electric blanket I don’t even own anymore. I know, I know.
2. Real hand-written letters from my Brit Pal Pete, who I almost married years ago so he could get his green card. After bickering over the details (like, finances and oh, a little thing called j-a-i-l) he was shipped off to his homeland, anyway, which strangely enough he now has a more lucrative career in film than he would have had here in the U.S. which is you know, sad for me because I can’t pull the old “see, you should have just said you’d pay all my rent for the next four years and stayed here and you would not be eating Lipton Cup ‘o Soup every goddamn night for dinner, pally!” next time I see him, but you know. Good for him.
***** Regardless, I keep them in case the latest Duracell Battery commercial he recently directed leads to super-fame, then I can sell them on E-Bay. Or you know, keep them near to my heart. Whichever.
3. One complete ATARI system, complete with games (Frogger, The Mad Bomber, Pong, Pit Fall, Pac Man, Combat and more), joysticks and pong paddles!
4. One complete SEGA GENISIS system which, coupled with the above ATARI mention, should tell you just how much I am on the cutting edge of gaming.
5. Really, really swank picture frame I bought for a bridal shower I was too hung over to go to years ago, which obviously never made its way to the bride (BAD! KARMA!)
6. Promotional photos of me from my very first, real, full-time job in radio, taken when I was working in front of the board, sporting huge headphones, and microphone in front of me complete with gargantuan smile on my face looking all young, corn-fed and scrubbed and so impossibly optimistic and chipper it’s totally obvious I had not received my first paycheck from said job.
Hot Tip Kids, if you are going into broadcasting stay far, far away from radio. Unless you like living po' and think free promotional CDs will pay the rent, in that case, knock yourself out.
7. Mountains and mountains of other various pictures that will probably go into two sub categories:
A. Mom Was Hot
***** those few and far inbetween pictures I own of myself, mainly dating back to the early 90's where I was not wearing any kind of flannel, indie band t-shirt and or torn jeans/lumberjack thermal underwear, hooded sweatshirt and instead, actually sported non-dated, decent girlie clothing, washed hair and oh.my.god. make-up! Making them the pictures my future children will one day look years from now and proclaim "Sheesh, mom, you were HOT, what happened???"
b. Mom Was Drunk
**** The many, many pictures my future children will have never seen until one day after my death they unearth them hidden waaaaaay in the back of a closet somewhere. These are the photos where I am at some creepy, dingy, obviously unsafe basement party in college posed in front of some freaky rock band with a cup of tepid keg beer in one hand, flipping off the camera with the other all the while a Marlboro dangles jauntily from my lips.
8. The Mother of All Mix Tapes.
**** the “Losing My Virginity Mix Tape” inspired by one high school classmate who mentioned The Clash was playing at her particular time and so I apparently thought that was so supercool I didn’t want to chance it and have Air Supply or something equally creepy blaring in the background come my time, so I created this particular mix tape - which, as you can guess, was no where around when I actually lost my virginity.
Yes, it has a lot of The Clash on it.
And I can’t believe I actually told y’all that, but whatever, you can’t say ann-frank’s not proactive.
And so, not unlike the last clown to come out of the teeny VW Bug at the circus, that concludes the ann-frank Closet Tour ’02.
And as you can guess, I got so caught up with all of the stuff I found, I did not finish the job, but at least all the crap is shoved back in there and stacked a little nicer now.
* the midget closet that has the door about 2 feet above the ground and opens into a space so huge, upon opening for the first time my best pal Jen proclaimed, “you could keep a family of midgets in here!”
We are not a PC people, my friends and I.