I promised you an update from my previous entry, so here’s the thing: turns out I make one shitty bachelor.
Which isn’t really surprising. Although I am not a really fancy-pants kinda female, I am still female.
Which means after a few beers with the fellas, whilst they are all grousing about tuxedos and bow ties, and I’m all asking, “hey – is Sue (the bride) wearing a dress? What’s it look like?”
The response: silence. Deafening. The fellas paused from their frothy beers mid-sip to just kinda look at me to make sure they were hearing what they were hearing. They stare at me, then they stare at my friend the Groom who then just kinda shrugs his shoulders like, “ she has ovaries, whattayagonnado?”
Which normally, I wouldn’t stand for, such you know, female condescension, but in context the whole thing was pretty funny.
And in my defense, this was a perfectly legit question on my part because the Bride and Groom are both freakin’ National Park Rangers and pretty non-traditional people in general. The ceremony was by a lake somewhere 30 miles north of Milwaukee and outside. So, you know, I wasn’t sure if she was even going to wear a dress. She could’ve been planning to show up riding a moose in a Canadian Mounties uniform for all I knew.
Hey, it’s not like I was asking about dress train length or mother of pearl lace or whatever is normally going on about those dresses! And hey, say the word, and I was perfectly willing to call a cab to hit the back-woods nudie bar! But you know, the wedding was the very next day in a city two hours away, so it was a respectable “last call” at the pub before we hit the streets and said our goodbyes. While the fellas exchanged man-like handshakes I slapped ‘em on the ass then walked on home.
And hey, speaking of cabs – I swear to god, I am going to start a running log regarding which cities it is nearly impossible to get a cab. In case you were wondering, turns out, Milwaukee is a nightmare to catch a cab – even outside a hotel in the “busy” downtown area on a Saturday night. Dear Milwaukee: I am checking the “needs improvement” box just for you! (sorry rumble!)
More short run-downs for out-of-towners (feel free to print out, clip and keep in your purse!)
San Francisco – fairly easy. For optimal fun: make sure you tell the driver to go way fast up the hills if you are from out of town!
Chicago – cake! Almost never a problem for me.
St. Louis – turn your damn “for hire” light off if you have passengers!
Toronto - call ahead, eh!
Atlanta – not so bad if you are in a busy area - otherwise, look for the public transit rainbow signs!.
Memphis - perhaps they have a thing against tourists with a velvet Evlis in tow?
St. Paul, MN – so easy, even if you are in a residential area at 3:00 am on a Monday earlier this week.
What? I didn’t mention I wound up in St. Paul this week? Well, the Sunday after the wedding I wasn’t In The Mood to make it back to my work life – so, I decided to skip the wedding shower I was supposed to attend in Chicago that day (sorry Julie!), Best Friend Jen and I called in a few favors and took a few days off to visit my beloved Twin Cities for 42 hours.
Well, my beloved Cities but mostly, my mom’s kick ass cookin’ and our good friend Chris. We weren’t there long, but we managed to eat about 3 pounds of cheese each and suck down enough beer to keep the local breweries on Defcon 5 levels for possible summer shortages.
So, if you are unable to get a good beverage in the Twin Cities this summer, now you know why.
And poor Chris. Fella didn’t realize he had two hell raisers on the way, so we kept him out on a Monday ‘til his local pub kicked our drunken Asses out after last call and headed back to his swank screened in porch apartment to drink whatever was left in his fridge. Because, you see, if you are a drinker at all in the Twin Cities, it is best you keep the fridge well stocked for occasions just as such.
Because, here is another tip: liquor stores close at like, 8:00 pm in the Twin Cities. Which has always been at least as far as I can remember when I lived up there years ago.
Which seems a bit sinister in the first place, to those of us who like to make booze runs at all hours, but considering the Twin Cities just recently passed a law making it perfectly legal to carry concealed handguns wherever you might be bandying about on public property, it seems a little strange they are still so uptight about grabbing a six pack at midnight, you know?
But you know, even though they make it difficult to get your drink-on too late into the night, the good news is the Twin Cities learned a valuable “one of these things doesn’t go well with the other” lesson from Sesame Street: the pub we went into had a pretty little sign showing a handgun with a red circle and line through it.
You see, that means, if there is a sign – no guns in the pubs!
Sign = no guns!
I mean, phew!