I don’t even know where to begin without alienating half the reading population here ….
Namely the Men of Dland (hey there’s a calendar fundraising idea for you andrew!)
So, yeah, I will just go ahead and say it.
Awhile back, I agreed to be The Maid Of Honor in my sister’s wedding.
So, where lies the conflict? - the men ask – just what is the B.F.D.?
Well, my Y chromosomally gifted friends, I’ll tell you what the B.F.D is.
Take a glance to your left, a little peak to your right at the female population of dland. Yes, take a look.
They are nodding. The women are nodding that sad little nod reserved for those who have been there. That look of pity is reserved for those sisters all over the world who have dedicated months and thousands of dollars for their friends special day.
They have seen the horror.
I won’t even rehash the big ta-da of an honor this is, I’ll even spare you the sordid details of the dress fittings (thank God butt-bows are o-u-t!).
This little anecdote is just a brief glance into what you become, once to commit yourself to the chains for bridesmaid-dom.
So, what was the thorn in my side this weekend?
Table sprinkles, people!
I didn’t know what the hell they were either until I was thrown in the midst of planning a bridal shower. You see, it’s not good enough you’ve got to book a restaurant, decided on the catering, fill out the invitations and invite all the people.
Oh no. You gotta decorate. People want center pieces! They want alluring mylar ballons! They want little almonds and mints wrapped in tulle!*
And they want table sprinkles.
Those little-shiny-confetti-thingies that you are supposed to litter all over a table clothe to make the table more festive. If the table ain’t shiny, it ain’t festive!
So, over the weekend it was my job (along with another bridesmaid in tow) to hunt down and procure blue and silver table sprinkles.
A cinch, I thought. Silver and blue. No problem.
But do you know how hard it is to find darker, solid color table sprinkles in bridal shower appropriate shapes? Do you, dear reader, have any idea?
Go to any party planning/ card shop in the Midwest and they have mauve hearts, they have lavender diamonds, they have every pastel shiny shade on the planet.
But no blue. No BLUE!
We looked, people. We looked everywhere .
And we came [this close]
Tired and hungry and not nearly caffienated enough, my fellow bridesmaid and I, we were on our 4th wacky party shop of the morning getting ready to throw in the proverbial towel when Maid #2 wandered off into a small aisle to the side.
“I found ‘em!” she yelled one aisle over.
I rushed to her side. And there, hanging from a little hook, was a tiny bag of blue and silver stars - table sprinkle/confetti.
“Perfect!” she declared.
At a glance, I agreed.
But then we took a closer look at our surroundings. We took a closer look at which aisle we had wandered into.
We took a closer look at our beloved blue and silver table sprinkles.
They were in the shape of The Star of David.
We had wandered into the Bar Mitzvah aisle.
We were … we were crushed.
And apparently desperate.
Maid #2: “Well, maybe we could just … you know, pick out the blue ones and mix ‘em with some silver hearts.” She tried to rationalize.
I looked at her.
“ Well,” she said, “It is mostly a Protestant and Catholic crowd. Maybe no one will notice.”
I can’t blame her really.
I mean, we were really, really, tired.
But yes, gentle reader.
The search is still on.
* Main Entry: tulle
Etymology: French, from Tulle, France
Date: circa 1818
: a sheer often stiffened silk, rayon, or nylon net used chiefly for veils or ballet costumes
I have become more aquatinted with this stuff over the course of the past few months than I ever thought necessary for any human.
Tulle, people. TULLE!