Over the weekend I was wandering around the neighborhood trying to get a few things done when I noticed sign in front of one of the knick-knacky shops. It said “psychic today” and I thought well that sounds interesting so I wandered into the tiny store and there was a lady at a little café table with some tarot cards so I gave her a little money to see what was going on.
We sat amongst the glass beads and feathery things and the lady asked me if I had ever done this before and I lied and said no and I figured if she really was psychic she’d probably figure that I tried it once a few years back but the funny thing is that the lady back then kept asking me about my child and all these odd things this child was doing and I was all “child? I don’t have a child – are you sure you aren’t talking about me?”
So this lady lays the cards out and I am all ready to listen to find out about how I’ll be spending the rest of my life as a book-writing-shawl-wearing-multiple-cat-owning-broom-chasing-kids-off-the-block old lady in a tiny house with an iron gates and multiple bird feeders in the yard - so made myself comfy and settled in for the story.
She set the cards up and paused. She seemed a bit worried and I am all well sheesh this was a horrible idea maybe I am going to die soon? but she began the reading and soon I realized she was just a bit challenged by all of the wacky cards I had picked out:
“this card represents why you are here” she pointed to the Justice card and I was all “no wonder she’s confused she thinks I am some sort of vigilante looking for reasonably priced sandals at a sidewalk sale,” but that wasn’t it at all, she explained the Justice card, in it’s current position, meant I was all about common sense and fairness I have a very level head and rarely jump into anything without thinking it through which is all true I am not exactly a fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl and if I were Queen I would probably do a cost benefit analysis before I let anybody eat cake.
So, moving on she pointed to the Queen of Cups that lay over the justice card and she explained this was all so amusing because that card indicated I am led by my kind heart instead of my logical mind and I am used to getting my way and she explained most of the time I must be all out of sorts because I am not sure if I should be listening to my heart or common sense. And all I could think was well welcome to my life, sister, why do you think it is I freeze up with indecision like, five times a day and is probably the reason why, after living here almost a year I haven’t even purchased a goddamn sofa or proper curtains or matching dishware or when those nice suitor fellas swing by for a spell they think I am just crazy when really I just can’t decide what it is I really want because sheesh, I can’t let them know what I am actually feeling because that would be illogical now wouldn’t it?
And so she moved her fingers along the cards, pointing and explaining this and that including the scary-looking hang man which isn’t as scary as you might think and finally we came to my last card – the card that was supposed to represent me - overall - as a person - she pointed and paused, “so you see, the Queen of Pentacles is the Queen of the Deck. The Helen of Troy of the Tarot.” She then explained how wise and earthy and well balanced and good and giving and well put together this Queen was how she represents beauty and just how sought after and ideal she is and it was at that point I started giggling like a deranged hyena because I had just caught my reflection in one of the sparkly shop mirrors and there I was, unwashed, wind-blown hair all askew, sitting there all frumpy in my old sandals and favorite faded pants and in-desperate-need-of-a-defuzzing-sweater and I was all "whoookay, umm, if you say so, you're the expert" and all of my giggling must have broke some sort of super cool spell because suddenly it was as though the lady woke up from a nap because she finally looked me over completely from head to toe and as if seeing me for the first time paused and added, “ummm, outer and errrr … inner beauty … that is”
And so I thanked her very much for her time and got up from the tiny table and left the darkened shop and headed into the sunshine to walk amongst my Loyal Subjects for the rest of the day all the while giggling like the most deranged hyena ever to walk that side of the street shaking my Royal Frumpy Ass like I owned the squares of the sidewalk or something.