Let it be known right off the bat, I am cheating!
That’s right, this entry is a cheat! Mainly because I’ve not had anything interesting to write about lately – save for an almost total meltdown in Target yesterday. It involved me, the ultimate anti-shopper trying to find a gd purse of all things.
That’s right Miss 30 Year Old who’s never quite gotten the knack of being a Bona Fide Purse Toter almost went crazy amongst the knick-knacks in the hosiery and accessory aisle of Target trying to find something suitable to schlep my cash and cigarettes around in.
That is, my friends, no way to go .
But let me just say in my defense, it wasn’t the purse quest that drove me crazy so much as it was the couples in matching Sunday warm-up suits going nutty over the Rubbermaid ™ sale.
I mean, really people, what’s to think about? The excruciating use of brain power these people emitted over over-sized Tupperware playroom storage was just freaking astonishing.
The way they were bickering over the homogenized color palette Target has offered up for years now, you’d swear these people had never seen country blue or beige before!
Beige! I mean, beige, people! The most benign color on the face of this earth! Is this something to end your marriage over? It’s beige for crying out loud! Pick it up and get the hell out of my way!
At any rate, to save you all any more sordid details of my dull existence, I will cheat and share with you one of the most entertaining birthday wishes I’d ever received during my time on planet earth from my beer mate rudey via e-mail. If you haven’t read rudey , first of all - what’s wrong with you?. Ok second of all, kidding, there is nothing wrong with you, but she is damn funny…see for yourself in her e-mail:
How was your birthday? I hope you had a good time, there's something I want to say but I have no idea how to say it without it being "not good" in some way.
I was going to say that you don't sound 30 in your diary, but then you could take that as, "Oh! So 30's OLD is it? Yeah, thanks for reminding me BITCH!" And then I would try to fix it by saying something like, "No! I'm just saying, you're just really smart and funny... you sound younger." And then you'd be all, "Oh! I get it! Only young whipper-snappers like yourself are 'funny' and 'smart', huh?
When you get to be MY AGE you're just old and dumb and write about old people shit, huh?" "No! It's just that, you know, you do Rock Star in front of the mirror and you party with your friends and you break into your own house, you just... I don't know... you don't seem 30. That's ALL I'm saying."
"Well I didn't know that when you got to be MY AGE you had to stop having fun and breaking into your own apartment! I didn't know I had to stop swearing and dressing up just to dance in front of the mirror. I guess I didn't get that MEMO. Or maybe I did, you know how people tend to forget things at MY AGE."
"Quit saying that, 'MY AGE'. I didn't mean any offense, I was just trying to compliment you."
"Well, at MY AGE I could use all the compliments I can get, but you're going to have to speak up sonny, can't hear so well at MY AGE."
"I'm leaving now."
"Yeah, that's right! Mock me and the fact that I can't move as fast as you! Just go! I'm going to go write an entry about my nifty new SLACKS!"
"I hate you." "WHAT?! I CAN'T QUITE HEAR YOU! YOU'VE STEPPED OUT OF POINT BLANK RANGE AND THAT'S ALL THE FARTHER I CAN HEAR!"
"BYE Brittle Bones!"
"See if I write YOU into my Will!"
At least that's what I imagine would happen if I tried to tell you you sound damn fuckin' cool and not like most of the 30 year olds I know.
See? Isn’t she just hilarious? Funny thing is, I could totally see that happening –in a fun way, of course. All dramatic and stuff … say like, in the middle of Target.
But really funny thing is, I’ve had similar conversations with my pal toothbrush where she tells me to knock off the old-lady crap already.
Aren’t these ladies hilarious?
Too bad the joke’s on all y’all ‘cause I really already have written an entry on slacks! Har! Har!
But what are you gonna do?
p.s. Latest google hit: Greased Up Women In Thongs. Hey, I am not judging - because I mean, really. Which is more fucked up –these people searching for that thing or them finding it in my diary?