I sat down completely prepared to start writing about the tales of last week’s bout with stomach flu that eventually took me to the hospital for an IV-cocktail with a nausea medicine chaser. However, I clicked on over to Gapers Block to do a little bit of catching up, and I ran across their FUEL question of the day …
“And the Oscar Goes to _______”
And normally, I am bored to tears with Oscar Predictions myself, because in my experience, people who are willing to write pages and pages about Oscar Predictions usually work on the fringes of The Industry OR desperately aspire to work in The Industry, which means they take it all way too seriously.
So, over at the GB, I simply meant to leave a quick comment about Hillary Swank. But of course, even though I’ve not seen a majority of the films nominated, The Snark took over and I decided to just go all out and hit up ever category because sometimes it’s just fun to give in to the Love/Hate of the Wood we call Holly.
So here lies ten minutes of my time in the form of “And the Oscar goes to …”
Hillary Swank, Best Actress:
Because I hear Million Dollar Baby was a very good flick, and Hollywood just can’t resist rewarding extreme physical transformations for women’s roles. Ie: Charlize Theron rewarded for being able to “ugly-up” for part as serial killer; Nicole Kidman dons fake schnoz for role as tormented writer, etc. etc.
Martin Scorsese, Best Director:
After Gangs of New York, it seems the pedestal he’s been put on is slowly descending a little closer to the ground, just enough for Hollywood not to feel intimidated.
Hotel Rwanda, Best Original Screenplay:
Because like, Hollywood CARES, man! Had it been any other year, I’d say Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind win this category, because Hollywood likes to throw a bone to the “token” quirky flick. However, that token will already be covered when many awards are chucked at “Sideways,” so ESOTSM will get little love and Hollywood will reward Hotel Rwanda with its token, “we care!” gesture.
Plus if Hollywood doesn’t give SOMETHING to Hotel Rwanda, you know Oprah’s going to be all up its ass.
Ray, for Best Picture:
Because Clint Eastwood’s “Mystic River” already got best picture last year, so his media darling Million Dollar Baby will not win it this year. I am not saying it’s not right to give Ray the Oscar based on the fact it’s a good movie, I am just saying this is how Hollywood rolls.
Jamie Fox, Best Actor:
Because it’s a good feel-good small town comedian does good underdog story. Plus, Hollywood still not forgiving Leonardo DiCaprio for “getting all up in politics” during the 2004 election.
Virginia Madsen, Best Supporting Actress:
Because giving it to Natalie Portman for playing a stripper is just like, too creepy for Hollywood. They’d rather give it to a little bit more seasoned actress who’s had to pay her dues and go through many “stripper-type” roles in order to get where she is today.
Y’hear that Natalie? One Role on The Pole does not an Oscar make!
Thomas Hayden Church, Best Supporting Actor:
I’d like to say Morgan Freeman, but you know that Morgan Freeman is going to be in like, a million other Oscar Worthy movies so, even though he’s an old dude, he’s still got more time.
And while Thomas Hayden Church may be an okay enough actor (Ned & Stacy, anyone?) THC’s part in Sideways will not be rewarded for his acting skills but ultimately because all the Old and Aging Dudes of The Academy LOVED Sideways because they could TOTALLY SEE a lot of themselves in that movie man, you know, when they were younger and wilder! Woooo! So, a little nod to the THC is a little nod to their fellow Dudes Everywhere and the Younger Dudes They Once Were or Wanted to Be.
And because when it came down to it, they just couldn’t bring themselves to nominate Paul Giamatti because when they put the mirror up to this movie to see a lot of themselves in it, the old dudes of the Academy would rather see THC rather than Paul Giamatti staring back at them.
Best Adapted Screenplay, Sideways:
I am not saying it’s good, I am just saying there are a lot of Old Dudes running the Academy who would like to see this movie “do well” for reasons listed above.
So there you go. It may not be exciting, but I am guessing it is probably better than having to hear all about last week’s vomiting, right?
What do you mean this is just another form of vomit?
Okay, fine. Next week’s topic: GI Tracts Gone Wild.