In case there was any doubt over whether or not today was a slow day, let me answer: yes it was.
And in case there was any doubt over whether or not I have a sometimes cruel and unusual sense of humor the answer is: yes, yes I do.
And I know it�s terrible. I do have a barbed tongue that gets me into a lot of trouble. But, I�ve realized in order to get along, you just have to toss it back and forth.
I spent most of the afternoon harassing my friend/cubemate/boss Matt about his Ebay feedback.
He�s not technically one of those hardcore �Ebay community members�. I mean, he not the hardcore ebayer who can�t look at an object without automatically assessing it�s inherent Ebay price tag or whatnot.
But he�s participated in quite a few auctions over the years. He�s got some feedback. Actually quite a bit of feedback.
All of which is good.
Except for one itty-bitty-teeny-weeny blemish.
He got a �neutral� rating on something a few years ago, when he first began buying stuff off of Ebay. There was some sort of slow payment snafu or something that earned my pal Matt one �nuetral� rating in a enormous sea of positive feedback.
Which we all know in the real world - is not a big deal at all.
But that one itty-bitty neutral bugs the shit out of him.
I mean, he can barely stand to look at it.
It is the bane of his Ebay existence.
Which he has been involved in full force lately. He�s been in the process of auctioning off quite a few items. And he�s been talking in the cube non-stop about the barrage of e-mails he�s been getting asking him all sorts of annoying questions about the stuff he is selling. Most of the e-mails ask questions about stuff he is not selling.
�do you have this size?�
"will you be selling more in the future?�
�If you tell me the reserve I will buy it right now.�
�If no one buys it, I�ll take it for ��
And I know how much he gets into this shit once the auctions are rolling.
So I sent him the following e-mail. Under my Ebay user name. And he even knows full well what my Ebay user name is�
I�ve noticed some of your auctions on Ebay and I can tell you are a man of extraordinary taste in _____ . Looking over your items I can tell you may have future auctions that I�d be willing to participate in and pay upfront 150% above your asking reserve price.
However I am a little concerned about the tiny little blemish on your feedback. It seems all auctions have gone over so well � where did you go wrong? How could you let that happen?
Please send me full details and explain why such a blemish is on such an exemplary record, and if I find the explanation satisfactory, maybe we can do business in the future.
He didn�t realize until he got to the last paragraph the e-mail was from me.
Then he screamed.
He. Was. Pissed.
So he threw a pen at me and yelled �you are gonna die a lonely old lady!�
So I threw the pen back and I was all, �Nuh-uuuh! No way! The Meals on Wheels people will keep me company!�
Because, you know, I think I just might be ever so slightly allergic to cats.