So, I had last Friday off from work. Which meant I got to sleep in and eventually take in some crappy daytime teevee that included watching about 5 seconds of THE VIEW where they announced the show’s topics for the day, which were guaranteed to be SHOCKING, so you had better stay tuned!
Two of the announced topics were:
1. Wayne Brady almost stomped to death in fan stampede
2. 7 Myths about your vagina you won’t believe.
And yes, to be honest, I was SHOCKED. Because frankly, I know the genteel musical comedy which he provides is amusing to a certain portion of the world and all, but the claim that Wayne Brady has enough fans to create a STAMPEDE is much more shocking than any vagina myth could ever be.
Send your Wayne Brady love comments to firstname.lastname@example.org subject line: Why you gotta hate on Wayne annfrankenstein?
Or you could just save your time and read this:
Because I can!
Moving along, and I hate to make more sweeping generalizations (oh who I am kidding! I live for that shit! Hit the ann-frank archives!) but, you! You students today are killing me. Killing me with your apathy!
You see, as of late, I have been interviewing for an intern to come in a few days a week to help me out with the up and coming work load that winter always brings to The Corp.
Firstly, I know all of you students are a busy people. I know. You’re worried about your future. You’re carrying a large academic workload. Many of you are already holding part time jobs and there are a lot of O’Shady McNicklePants type bars out there throwing cheap! cheap! cheap! drinks your way to keep you dehydrated Monday-Thursday and all, but could you please just cut a lady-working-for-the-man some slack and knock it off already with the lame excuses for the missed interview appointments?
Because when you leave a voice mail at 10:07 am when you were supposed to meet with me at 10:00am sharp, I am kind of expecting to at LEAST hear, “hey traffic was bad, I am running a liiiitle bit behind, I am very sorry, blah blah blah.”
What I don’t expect to hear is Nickelodeon going off in the background while your scratchy-ass-hungover-just-woke-up-after-a-long-night-of-many-many-miller-lites-and-jager-bombs-and-bong-hits voice says you're just calling to confirm your appointment is at 3:00pm when you damn well know it was for 10:00am.
Or, you know, just don't show up at all? Because that seems to be a popular option, too.
Do you think I am dumb? Umm, no. Because that was the exact same dumb shit I used to pull until I realized I might actually have to work some day after graduation.
Back in my day, internships rarely (rarely!) paid! Back in my day I would have been thrilled to have an internship opportunity that paid over minimum wage! Back in my day we were happy to have the work!
Back in my day, we went out for dollar beers and bong hits until dawn and were smart enough to have the foresight to live with at least one incredibly dull but responsible roommate who never went out but was always guaranteed to be around to wake us up in the morning when we slept through our four alarm clocks that were supposed to wake us up for the interview in the first place! Back in my day we drank green Gatorade and popped Pamprin to kill our hangovers! We didn’t have those fancy-pants pharmaceutical Hangover Cure pills readily available at any corner market!
And now y’all have those lethal Listerine Breath Strips and bottles of Febreze! Let me tell YOU, back in my day if we had to make it to an interview, we had to settle for regular old Tic-Tacs® and our roommate’s Designer Imposter® perfumes to cover up the stench of the previous night’s party and WE LIKED IT!
The difference is clear, people.
And quite frankly, I am worried about the lack of ingenuity and ability of the next generation to be the highly functioning alcoholics it takes to run this country.
And really. I wish there was just one more Presidential debate left, because while it may be late in the game, it is clear this is one issue that needs to be addressed. Totally.