So, I got in a car accident today.
How was your day?
Don’t worry, I am okay.
I mean just because a 42 year old lady with a thick accent and a bad perm sporting a hoochie-momma titty-tee, short shorts, sparkly sandals and infected belly ring decided to blow a stop sign and drive right in front of me so I can slam on my brakes and go skidding on the wet pavement right into her car crushing her front side panel and bending her wheel does not mean my whole day is ruined, now is it?
For the record, it was totally her fault. The Hott Cops who wrote her ticket said so!
And my car is okay and I am okay and even though everyone thinks I should like, sue for a Very Brady Whip Lash or something, I don’t really think that’s necessary.
I mean, I am okay for now, but if I wake up tomorrow and can’t move, then we’ll talk litigation.
What I am most upset about is the fact that before the accident, I was having One Fucking Fantastic Hair Day.
But after getting out of my car in the rain (yes, swearing like a sailor the entire time) to survey the damage and after having to stand in the drizzle and humidity waiting for the Hott Cops to show, my hair is now One Big Fucking Mess.
And just who is going to pay for spending the rest of the day in constant frizzy hair humiliation, people? I mean, who?!
Ok, so I’m still making the jokes, but the truth is, I have One Incredibly Fucking Painful stress headache right now (the whole thing went down not too long ago) so I will spend the rest of the evening on the couch having The World’s Most Pathetic Pity Party while I eat lemon-raspberry sherbet and watch bad TeeVee.
p.s. does anyone else think the Nic Cage/Lisa Marie Presley marriage is just a little bit creepy?
I love you, Nic, and I know you’ve always had a thing for ‘E’ but don’t you think you are taking this fetish to a whole new twisted level by like, fucking Elivis’ DNA?
And Lisa Marie, hon, you do realize Nic’s been known to sport a sparkly Elvis suit and sing “Love Me Tender” on occasion, don’t you? I mean, you do realize that, right? Yes, Lisa Marie, I realize Nic is better than Michael Jackson and all, but can you say Daddy Issues?