Ugh. Should I even try writing? Probably not. I am officially In A Funk, which is not really conducive to The Funny, but you know, Colleen made me the super cool template, and I feel I have not been, you know, doing it justice leaving it here all lonely with old stale entries.
It’s maybe time to open the windows and let in some sun and maybe fluff up some pillows and do some dusting and things in here?
Yeah. I know. Nothing a few lame metaphors to get things kicking! Whoohoo!
So, what’s new? Well, my Best Friend in The Male Category is getting married next month. This is very exciting because, not only is he a great friend I have known since I was five years old, but he is actually marrying a very cool lady. I couldn’t be happier for them both.
Also, my Best Friend in The Female Category – Jen, will be there as well. And after the ceremony, the reception is at some big fish-fry type blue-collar polka place in Milwaukee somewhere very close to the brewery featured in that wacky independent gal-pal hit comedy teevee show of the late 70’s early 80’s Laverne and Shirley. And so there will be lots and lots of my favorite beverages being served. And maybe a rowdy polka or two. Cross fingers.
So all that said, you do see where this is going don’t you? I mean, considering Jen will be there, there will be lots of beer and fun, and we will be in Milwaukee near the Laverne and Shirley land marking - how hard is it going to be to not run down the street arm and arm yelling:
“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. We're gonna make our dreams come true. Doin' it our way!"
Oh my god, just how sick do you think the people of Milwaukee are of dimwits coming into town and doing that? So sick I am sure they probably have signs posted every ten feet forbidding such things with penalties of like, snipers on tops of buildings ordered to shoot to kill any tourist attempting such a stunt.
But you know, they’ve never seen the likes of me doing it, so they’ll just have to deal, you know? Though, I should probably look into a bulletproof vest rental for the evening anyway because I will not back away from such a challenge!
Bottom line: so much to do to prepare!
It is so destined to be a good time, I am giddy.
Although, the sad part about the whole outing is once again I am left staring the RSVP card in the face. You know, where they all send the invite to: Ann-Frank and GUEST and I am supposed to respond with a ONE or a TWO.
Yes, guest is supposed to mean you know, husband or significant other or even The Person You Are Fucking At the Moment. However, at the moment, I have none of these. Sadly, it will be marked with a ‘lil numma one. Such is my life.
Oh, sure – there’s always Wedding Date Standby, Geoff . But you know, Wedding Date Standby Geoff and I haven’t talked in a few months, and the last time we spoke, he was being all a little whiney bitch because I couldn’t make it to his Christmas party, so I’d rather not risk having such a good time spoiled by his boy-bitchiness. I am sure he’s still clutching tightly to that little grudge at night, and then, you know, just spoon-feeding it hate every morning.
Oh, trust me he is. Because I know him well, and although he is a dear friend, he is just like that.
Plus, both of us have been through this whole Wedding Date routine so many times, it’s just plain dull. The wedding. The reception. Open bar, the incredibly obvious Bizarre Love Triangle comes on, I refuse to dance (because ladies and gentlemen, I have seen video of me trying to dance – it is not pretty – I have learned to just say no) then there’s some sort of crazy scene where all the sudden I am lame because I won’t dance to a song I haven’t danced to since my Goth Juice Bar days, and well, we eventually wind up smashed and there’s some groping in a hotel room somewhere til I realize, I really, really could never actually have sex with someone who still listens to “Come On Eileen” in a very non-ironic way. Then eventually there is chaste sleep, then breakfast and a “see you next time!” in the morning.
What I am saying is, not unlike the song “It’s a Small World After All” at Disney Land, that whole scene is so played I don’t even want to bother.
But it is all okay, because I will be surrounded by many good people and fun and well, you know that bulletproof vest of which I spoke? Do you think perhaps sewing a big old cursive “L” on the vest would be … I dunno … too much?
Eh, more than likely.
Anyway, The Milwaukee Laverne and Shirley Tourist Snipers probably have direct orders to aim for the head anyway, so the whole vest thing won’t be much help in the end.
But I would still look goddamn fabulous in that vest.