To: Valentines Day
Cc: Cupid, Saint Valentine, Anonymous Spammers Around the World, The Delivery Van Guy
Subject: You have fucked with me for the last time!
Dear Valentines Day:
I’m sorry. But it really needed to be said.
There’s really no other way around it.
I was planning on being optimistic today by not even acknowledging your existence. I was perfectly happy to go about my business while you went about yours.
I was going to spend this day happy and carefree and full of love and bunnies for everyone! I was going to avoid being the bitter clichéd old lady – the kind who dismisses this crappy day as a capitalistic creation made for chocolate factories and Hallmark alike.
And it was going pretty well, too! No matter how hard you made it for me, Valentines Day. No matter how hard, I keep on keeping on!
Like this morning, driving to work - when I was stuck behind the flower delivery van brimming with gleaming shiny mylar balloons and the dozens and dozens of flowers - none of which were for me? When I was stuck behind that delivery van going 20 fucking miles per hour so as not to disturb its precious cargo – I kept my cool.
Yes, I did. I was running late – but it was okay! This anonymous delivery van full of joy and happiness and good tidings needed to get to its destination safe and unscathed and if that meant me suppressing my normal road rage and being late for work – that was okay! Just think of all of the happy, happy people!
I was going to be kind, Valentines day. No matter what it took.
Like, all day I’ve been going to great lengths to avoid your stench, errrr, I mean delicate perfume-y aroma by going the long way out of the way to get to the other side of the office whenever I needed anything over there so as to avoid having to tool by the receptionist desk and see the scores of the huge ass bouquets of the gargantuan Equadorian roses the size of fists in every color in the rainbow being delivered every hour on the hour to all the other people.
So, you see – I am doing my part. I am. I am staying tough. I am keeping it cool.
I am a motherfucking trooper.
But now you have stepped over the line, Valentines Day. Yes, you have.
Did you really need to provide that anonymous spammer with my email address so they could send me an email proclaiming “someone has a valentine crush on you! Click here to read your card!”
Did you really need to be so cruel?
Well, no harm really, I guess Valentines Day, because I wasn’t fooled. I mean, I knew it was one of those fake offers the spammers send out to get you to click their link so they can confirm you are actually using that particular email address so they can send you tons of other crap in the future.
I knew it was fake, Valentines Day – you did not fool me!
But some poor lonely Valentine-less schlep out there’s gonna think it’s real. Some poor Valentine-less schlep out there’s gonna get that email announcing “someone’s got a secret crush on you!” and click on that link all full of hope and happiness – and then instead of sweet things and the promise of new love and bunnies and things that poor schlep is gonna find some old crusty advertisement.
Now that’s just stone cold, Valentines Day.
Don’t think I won’t remember this!
Bitter(sweet) as always,