So, I was looking around d-land. And you know, when you start looking around d-land you can get into a little trouble.
Sometimes you can get into a little inspiration.
And considering I haven’t found a specific way to broach the subject of this weekend’s past most interesting event -- that would be serendipitously interviewing for a spot on Street Smarts the Dubya-B’s wo/man on the street car wreck of a television show I sometimes rubber – neck and watch late nights when I am feeling a little superior to the rest of the world (not hard when watching that show) --- so instead of covering that for now, I decided to tackle the subject of porn. (run on sentence anyone?)
I am not here to get into the ethics of it all. You know you’ve watched a little porn in your lifetime.
Porn, in all it’s cheesy mulleted-greased-up-grossed-out-fabios-playing with the silicone-dolls-with-lipsticked-O’s-permanently-pursed –on- their –lips- brings the world together whether you know it or not.
Everyone’s got at least one porn story under their belt.
Oh, you know you do.
Cut to jameskass’s entry about his favorite job as manager at a video store with an extensive porn collection.
Cut to my funniest porn encounter.
Interior: Black SUV purchased by Wedding Date Standby Geoff for the sole purpose of impressing chicks.
Me in the passenger seat, not impressed but hungover from previous evenings wedding watching rolling green hills of Wisconsin roll by – heading back to Chicago.
Passing trucker stops, greasy spoons, Cheese Palaces, Cheese Chalets. Lots of ‘em.
Passing cows. Lots of ‘em.
Passing road side attractions. Lots of ‘em.
Passing porn stores. Lots of ‘em.
So, I spot a sign off in the distance, bright yellow huge 5 feet letters boast: Largest Adult Selection in the State.
Me: (wearily pondering) You know, I think I should buy more porn.
Wedding Stand By Date Geoff: Why? Ya tired of renting?
Big laughs. From the both of us.
Me: Umm, no.
Wedding Stand By Geoff: Yeah, well you know when Mike got married he bequeathed me his collection per his wife’s instructions …
Flash forward me procuring a certain copy of a certain collection called The Pussy Man series.
3 of ‘em on one tape.
So yeah, I borrowed a tape.
Yeah, I was curious, so what.
You are too.
Then quit reading.
Flashforward me in my tiny little apartment. Praying the neighbors aren’t listening through my paper-thin walls.
Pop in tape.
The usual. Some rented mansion void of decorating and furniture.
They may not even have a permit to be shooting there, you can just tell the place is so bare. You expect some guy with a boom mic to be looking over his shoulder for the po-lice to show up at any time.
Bad lighting. Women in tacky lingerie. Soundtrack sounding like there’s some guy with a pair of headphones and a Casio SK1 is in the corner tucked away somewhere playing preprogrammed Samba with tinny beat as aforementioned ladies grind stairwell banister.
Enter some man with bad facial hair in Safari adventure type vest. He’s on a hunt. A hunt for the perfect hunny, and one of these ladies are going to do whatever it takes to claim the title.
So the ladies are bumping and grinding and he goes up to talk to them.
The dialogue starts.
Man with Bad Facial Hair in Dumb Vest: “So, baby, what …”
The tape starts to fast forward.
I do not have the remote.
The tape plays on squiggle fast forward lines squiggle by while Tacky Man speaks to Tacky Ladies as they bump and grind.
I do not have the remote.
I can see through the squiggle lines they are talking while they move in fast forward motion comically animated to show their randiness. Tacky Thongs In Motion.
This continues until 3 of the Tacky Women are in a secluded room with bad leopard skin print king sized bed with Tacky Man. Women undress from lacy teddies in fast forward motion.
Once they are nekkid, the talkin’ stops and the getting’ it on starts to get it on the tape stops fast forwarding.
The tape stops fast forwarding and goes into regular motion.
At which point I can not even barely watch anymore I am laughing so hard.
You know how people who usually watch porn usually fast forward through the porn director’s attempt at inserting plot with dialogue and story line to get to the business?
Yeah, well Wedding Date Stand By Geoff’s pal who gave him the tape was apparently in a conservative mood a trying to fit the entire Pussyman series on one 3 hour tape, because he copied the series so the entire tape was fast forwarded through the plot parts.
And as James so wisely stated in my guestbook: They Fast forwarded FOR YOU?!? I don't know whether that's rude or thoughtful
Just a little porn to ponder for you folks.