You know, I just realized I never did finish the story about how my sister’s gonna kick my ass.
Y’all want to hear it?
Too bad. Not much is happening so I will no purge myself of the guilt and pass it along.
So, my sister got married awhile back and if you dig around in my diary you will find many stories as I carried out my Maid of Honor Duties. The nightmares, the eventual fun and the relief of the whole ordeal ending.
Or so I thought.
You see, for some reason there was a freakish amount of like, media coverage leading up to my sister’s Big Day.
I swear, it was like Chicago’s WGN Channel 9 had a written-out itinerary and knew exactly where to find us.
It all started with The Cubs game.
My sister’s big request was to go the ballpark with the rest of the ladies, so I’m all “Tepid six dollah beers in plastic cups with some fella in wearing Oakley sunglasses and a neon wife-beater-t yelling my ear and doling out the high-fives? Sure, if that’s what the ladies want, I’ll make it happen.”
So, I got tickets.
And for the occasion, the other ladies made a sign that said something like: “Hey Sammy, hit number __ to the Bride to Be.”
I think “Sam-eee” and “Beeee” were supposed to be the rhyming hook that would ensure some solid camera time, and to tell you the truth I don’t remember exactly what they came up with, but point is – sure enough in the 7th inning there’s a shot of my sister’s pals all smiles in halter tops holding up this sign.
I am sitting to the side, sporting my big-ass Jackie-O sunglasses drinking tepid beer sweltering because I was wearing a black t-shirt and turning bright red because all I really remember is it was really fucking hot.
At any rate – one of her friends got the whole debacle on tape when it aired that afternoon. It’s like 3 seconds or something.
Freakish media coverage story #2: Later, that evening after the game the group is approached by a fella who couldn’t be more than 19 who asks: “Would you ladies like to be on TeeVee?”
No-no. It had nothing to do with any casting couch turns out the TeeVee game show Street Smarts was in town and they were looking for a couple of victims.
Hey, I know the show is completely backward and retarded. And I’d like to tell you I just held my head high and walked away from the boy – refusing to be interviewed for my chance to appear on the show bases on its low-brow antics.
But I am not even gonna front. This is America, man. Who doesn’t want to be on a god damn game show?
For those of you who have never seen the show – it’s just a basic “man on the street” Q&A where they find cocktail waitresses in titty-tees named “Brandie! You know, like with an eye-eeee!” to answer questions incorrectly and look like an ass on national television.
But I didn’t make it. I answered all of the questions correctly, and no matter how much I giggled and flipped my hair in-between questions, they wouldn’t take me. I mean, I probably could have flubbed it, but the questions were really, really easy. You too, would have had a hard time faking it.
Actually, none of my sister’s crew made it.
Which is really a double edge sword here because you’re all “hey! Carrie! You’re gonna be on TeeVee.”
But umm, you know, you were chosen because you’re a freaking moron.
But chin up! You’re gonna be on TeeVee!
Carrie was nonplussed and she answered those questions like a trooper. Her episode aired this past November. And it was actually really endearing and funny and Carrie was the smartest of the 3 contestants so it all worked out.
But the point is: This was the second tape capturing pre-wedding TeeVee coverage.
Freakish Media Coverage Incident #3: The morning of the wedding – the day after American Thanksgiving – the biggest freaking shopping day of the year. The one day I avoid malls at all costs – we all head to the outdoor Oak Brook shopping mall to fork out a ton of cash for frou-frou ‘dos and whored-out-make-up jobs. These make-up “artists” like to cake it on “for the pictures”.
Personally, I think it’s so I can hear my Seriously Catholic Aunt Margie click her tongue when she sees me in the church looking like a Moulin Rouge dancer, but that is not the point.
The point is, on our way out of the outdoor Oak Brook shopping center, my sister is stopped by the Channel 9 news team to for a little one on one TeeVee interview and they ask her why she is shopping on her wedding day.
And how did they know it was her wedding day? In order to have her ‘do done, she had to wear her veil to the beauty SA-lon so they could shellac the thing to her head. So she was wearing jeans, an old button down of her husbands, and this big bouffant tulle-thingy on her head.
They could kinda tell.
It aired noon that day – and one of her friends set the VCR. So that makes TeeVee coverage numma 3.
Three tapes total.
At any rate, just recently I was at my sister’s and she was all “gee, it would be handy to have all of these little incidents on one tape so we could make copies hand them out to the rest of the ladies and family members and things, wouldn’t it?”
Translation: Hey, ann-frank, there’s lots of that technical video editing type equipment where you work, isn’t there?
But she should know better, man!
It was my job to have one of the video editors at work combine all these three little events onto the one tape and make copies.
But I umm. I ummm. Errr.
I lost the tapes.
Ok, so I probably didn’t so much lose them as it is much more likely I accidentally taped over them.
Hey, The Osbournes is a really good show!
One of the peoples I work with has TiVo so she was dubbing various cable TeeVee shows for me and I had a ton of unlabled Osbourne tapes laying around and I think I accidentally gave her my sister’s tapes to ummm, copy these educational and pop culturally significant programs for me.
I don’t have cable! I was missing out!
Ugh. I know. I know.
Let this be a lesson to you all – a lesson in a little thing called “proper labeling”.
Although, the good news is while I was all panic-y going through my tapes I found the porn I borrowed from my pal Geoff ages ago and now I will finally be able to return that to him unscathed.
Now, I just gotta think of a way to break the bad news to my sister.
But - why, oh why couldn’t it have been the porn tape?