Heard a version of “Jingle Bells” in German today and man I don’t care what you say – just about any upbeat ditty sung in German sounds like a drinking song. And no, my hearing is not skewed by my love for the beer. Do not judge until you hear it for yourself!
Okay, so how are you? Enjoy your Holiday/weekend? Fab.
I survived the trip to the p’s and it was actually a lot more fun than I anticipated. And I take back any bad things I said about the step brother. He was totally excited to see me, we had a lot of fun catching up, I never even had to consider getting all loaded to survive the conversation and he even burned a CD for me. So, you know, pre-holiday smack-talks is now just another reason I’ll burn quietly in hell.
Also fun: driving through Wisconsin during deer hunting season. I forgot one of the more favored road-trip games this time of year in the Midwest is the variation of I Spy. That is, I Spy Another Deer Carcass Strapped to the Back of The Pick Up. Ugh.
Can you believe I actually went to a retail store the day after Thanksgiving? I am not a big shopper any day of the year and I normally avoid all places of commerce on Black Friday, but for some reason my mother got it in her head I needed a fancy new duvet for my little apartment. So off we went.
But jesus H. Do you know how un-fun it is for me to stand in sweltering crowds reading the fine print for thread-count? It doesn’t help I am a total decorating retard in a studio apartment which means the bedding has to match everything else in the place and has to be kind of subtle so as not to stick out too much. Because the last thing you want is for entering guests’ eyes to be immediately drawn to the bed as it screams ‘HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU! THIS IS WHERE I SLEEP’.
I am thinking nice fancy-pants bedding is my mother’s idea of trying to lay down some good bed karma for me, so, you know, I don’t spend an eternity sleeping alone or something.
Gee, moms are swell sometimes.
Anyway, I almost settled on this duvet-type-thing because if you must know, the sparse little pattern on it exactly matches my tattoo. Look, don’t blame me. Had I known my tattoo (which I drew by myself by the way) would someday be a fucking matching sheet set at Linens N Things, there is no way I would have allowed myself to be inked up like that, but at this point I will just call myself a Yuppie Visionary and call it a day.
And umm, not to go on a fine bedding rant, but c’mon – shams? You know that flimsy piece of fabric you put over your pillows to make them all pretty and shit? Yeah, starting at $30 bucks each, I would say the name “sham” is a perfect fit. Just another clue the United States disposable income is way out of control sometimes.
And here is something the younger readers of ann-frank.diaryland can look forward to: the days your parents prepare for their deaths. Not like when they are actually dying of anything, mind you. But, when they are in perfect health and they suddenly become all about The Giving Away of Their Valuables.
Umm yeah, my mom is only in her 50’s and in total perfect health but she is recently all about giving her stuff away.
I am certain this is a symptom of recently nursing my step grandfather as he died. Because as he lay in the comfy hospital bed Hospice set up in his very own living room, members of my step family were literally hauling out his antiques right past him as he lay unconscious.
I know. So beyond tacky.
More freaking hilarious was when, in a dying-daze my step grandfather called my step father over to the side of his bed and said in a very sincere and tired voice, “Son, I want you to have my watch, it is not much, but I think you should have it.” My step grandfather then lifted up his weak arm so my step father could unlatch it and … the watch wasn’t there. Someone had already taken it.
Ok, so fine, in his morphine-drip haze the step grandfather could have already given it away and forgotten, but damn if my mother is going to let something like that happen to her.
She is ready and willing to let it all go now. Which means as I wandered around her house during the holiday, there was a lot of pointing, and “when I die, you can have that and this and this and that” and so on and so forth.
So, in case you didn’t know, in any Mother’s Official Offerings there is the usually a Family China set which, when passed to a mother’s offspring says, “here my lovely daughter, I am passing along to you this fine set of dinner plates, and dessert trays so you may one day feed your children the heartiest of nourishing meals on this modest but lovely set and honor and treasure family memories for all times.”
So yeah, my married sister, I am guessing will get the china. *
Me? Let’s just say I left St. Paul cruising down I-94 with a box load of fancy-antique-y German Beer Steins in the back seat. Well, you know, my mother is straight-off-the-boat German so it is only fitting there would be a few of these laying around the house. But you know, to pass them off to your daughter pretty much says, “Oh, my dearest offspring, I know you enjoy the Beer. In your lonely spinster state, drink well, my lovely daughter and forget life’s problems and may The Cirrhosis take you quickly.”
These, my friends, are the memories you will not find at Linens N Things.
Holidays! They bring such a tear to the eye, no?
* for the record, I would not even know what to do with fancy china except maybe break it when actually trying to use it, so, you know, this is actually a good thing.