Dear Republican U.S. Senate Candidate Jack Ryan:
Before I begin, let’s just get this out of the way first: I voted for your opponent Obama in the primary, so it’s not like I didn’t think you were a total tool in the first place. But, dude? Running for public office with a cache of alleged embarrassing sexy-type scandals waiting to tumble out of your closet like skeletons rolling out for Grateful Dead Tribute Band night?
Look, Jack. Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky-deaky on the sexity side. Personally, I am not one to begrudge anyone his or her (alleged) particular kink (leather! Anal beads! Voyeurism! Bring it!) but then again, I am not running for U.S. Senate as a “family values candidate.”
Oh, I understand in the days where former alcoholic, coke-head party boys can be elected American President, I could see how you might think a little thing like allegedly trying to coax your lady into fucking in front of strangers at various "avant garde” clubs (is that what they’re calling the sex clubs now?) may not be you know, a big deal.
And you know, in the “real” world it’s not.
But umm, in the political realm? Did you really think we wouldn’t find out?
Oh, Jack. Really. That’s just cute.
I mean, okay fine, forget the entertainment outlets, forget the media in general, forget the Barack Obama supporters, all of whom have demanded the hidden records of your divorce released.
Forget all that.
Dude, you married a Star Trek babe. If we’ve learned anything from the past oh, 30+ years of Trekkie fandom, it’s Star Trek fans are pretty you know, persistent.
I mean, that Shatner was into green chicks. Extra Terrestrials, dude. I am not sure what the correct terminology would be for that particular brand of kink, but my point is this: did you think inquiring new generation Trekies really wouldn’t want to know about a Star Trek: Voyager Babe’s alleged adventures with cages and whips and chains, oh my??
It was only a matter of time before the Allegiance of Star Trek Fans Everywhere stormed the Superior Court of Los Angeles to find out what you and Jeri had allegedly been up to. So, you can forget blaming the media for any alleged so-called smear campaigns
You were doomed. Totally.
Sure, we could talk hindsight and all, but really, had you been a smart politician (insert your very own homemade “oxymoron” joke here, folks!) you should have just taken a lesson from that Eminem movie 8 Mile.
Whether it be the scrutinizing political media,soccer moms, NASCAR dads, or the mostly black world of hip-hop in inner city Detroit at the weekly Dis-miss rap contest-- when they’re questioning your cred-- beat ‘em to the punch.
Just like Rabbit got up there and rapped about his trailer park livin’ and his white trash momma before his opponent could beat him to the dis’, perhaps a press conference revealing these records (pre-briefing your son, of course) that at one point in your life, you allegedly enjoyed leather and light spankings with an audience -- would have been wise. You know, before you ran for office. Throw in a few “that was then, this is now," kind of things and maybe you could have distanced yourself from that alleged ho-ha.
I mean, I’m not a parent, but I am somebody’s daughter and should my parents have gotten involved in some sort of inevitable (and alleged!) public sex scandal -- you bet your Goldman Sachs retirement fund I would totally have preferred to hear it from them rather than say, read all about my poppa’s alleged ass-play fancy* in the Chicago Tribune.
Then again, maybe in your particular case it’s all for the best. Your opponent Obama has been a national media darling for a few months now and in general, has totally been kicking your ass. So at least now, when you lose that very important seat to a Dem in November, you’ll have someone/thing else to blame.
I am not saying freaky sex is wrong. Getting your freak on is good.
I am just saying that in a world where the public goes apeshit over a stained dress and a couple o’ blow jobs, it probably isn’t really tough to figure out that politics and alleged kink don’t really sit all that well with most voters in the first place.
Maybe someday, in a perfect world, we’ll all together be able to bond as One Nation under strong Republican Family Values and Cock and Ball torture ... but now? Now is not that day.
*apologies to my parents, who, should they actually be into ass-play or not, may they have a healthy and fulfilling sex life of which I never, ever, ever, ever, ever find out the details.