Let me tell you, it’s been one hell of a day … besides a million other things that went wrong (too dull to mention at the moment) I had to go ISP shopping on the cheap because I refuse to give AOL any of my hard earned cash. Never used ‘em. Never will.
Over 20 bucks a month to feed me more crappy unsolicited pornography in an inbox? No thank you! That “Knock Shit Off People’s Coffee Tables with Your New and Improved Cock Size” line was funny the first 100 times I saw it in my now defunct hotmail account. I don’t need Mr. You Have Mail to announce it every time that crap pops up in an AOL account.
Unless, perhaps AOL 6.66 allows an upgrade that has the anonymous You Have Mail guy actually announce out loud who the email is from and the subject line.
It’d be hilarious if you were just typing along and all of the sudden that ubiquitous AOL man-voice would announce “You have Mail from Jennifer_Fisted@wetntasty.com subject: “Watch Me Take A Load!”
Well, not so funny if you check your personal e-mail at work. But funny.
Speaking of that spam from anonymous pornographers – how would you like to have that job – making up those ridiculous subject lines for those horrible e-mails?
I mean, really – could you imagine sitting in a brainstorming meeting with various folks in suits at a large dark oak shiny conference table surrounded by graphs and pie charts (no pun, people, no pun) all brimming with the latest demographic information for their targeted internet audience trying to figure out what perverse subject lines will get people to click rather than delete?
They’ve dimmed the lights and there’s this large multimedia presentation being shown on the big screen and some fella whips out the laser pointer and he’s going over the latest data
“As you can see here, lots of people will click on anything mentioning teenage mutant ninja virgins but our audience for Richard Simmons’ Locker Room Babes isn’t doing so well. Not to mention 40% more people will click on an email mentioning hot cum rather than hot load.”
The man pauses thoughtfully as he watches his lemmings nod in agreement and scribble in notebooks then he continues, “Remember, people folks like the word pussy! And if I ever find out who called it a yoo-hoo in that last batch of emails sent out - heads are gonna roll!"
"Now, you know what to do people! I want 50 new clickable subject lines from you all by 8am tomorrow – and mention hard long and vibrating! People love hard long and vibrating – now get cracking!”
Then some poor sap's out at a bar chatting up some ladies and he's all "Hey, I'm a writer - maybe you've seem my work? You know "Britney Spears Losing her Virginity Live?" - yeah- that was me"
I mean, someone's getting paid to make this stuff up.
I wonder if these people offer a 401(k)?