For those of you who missed the Democratic nominee debate tonight here is my ridiculous post-debate report! No! Don't go! It's FUN!
Like, It's all opening questions like: a call for the each of you to put the other on the VP ticket after the official nom comes through for the sake of the party.
And both are pretty nice. And ridiculous.
HRC's all "no matter what we need a Dem in office."
Obama's all "me too."
Then it's on to "tough questions" and Penn citizen asks a question about HRC's Bosnia gunfire quote, and how she totally lost his vote! What are you gonna do about it Hill? And HRC's gonna say she needs more sleep before she "misspeaks" about her experience under literal Bosnian gunfire or whatevs again.
Then it's all Obama's turn for tuff topics and "Rev Wright said this and that..." and Obama's gonna say you're gonna see clips of that 4ever even if I get the nom, and I've said enough about it already so deal! And if HRC gets the nom you'll see clips of her saying whatever she will say [that will draw similar controversy] (seriously, though he had no clear example) over and over again so it's this or that attack from the GOP no matter what.
And Obama's gonna rebut and throw HRC and himself the life-jacket and say candidates sometimes "imperfectly deliver"* their quotes, like when HRC made that baking cookies comment back in like, '95, so he gets some slack for calling Pennsylvanians gun-toting Jesus-freaks because that is how imperfectly delivered his quote on that matter was. Awh.
HRC will then actually deliver "Hamas" AND "Farrakhan" in one sentence after that, but it's kind of lost because, seriously, Obama says "LOOK" again about 110 times before he stammers again in any rebuttal. Because you know his advisers have said in the past to stop saying "LOOK" in front of every statement, but I don't think dude can honestly stop himself from it once he starts talking as himself as a debater and not as a "yes we can" written-for-him speech deliverer.
Then...........it's on to the American Flag PIN, people. Jeeeezuz.
Video of Penn citizen asking Obama a direct question: not questioning Obama's patriotism, but why does Obama dis' the pin?
ME: COULD SOMEONE GET THE MAN A NEW DAMN AMERICAN FLAG PIN ALREADY???
Obama: mentioned the sensationalism behind American Flag pin controversy this and that and these are the "manufactured issues" keeping people from the real issues...
ME: Yes, while I agree, could you JUST WEAR THE DAMN PIN ALREADY SO PEOPLE CAN GET OVER IT? Or, actually, how about just wearingAppollo Creed's "American Pride" ensemble from Rocky IV. Seriously, wear the American flag cape, silky boxers and top hat during the next debate and maybe Americans will get over it. Its purpose is two-fold, Obama. Not only does it show you are patriotic but it also shows you can literally take a punch (which you figuratively mentioned punch-taking in your comments tonight).
For REAL America, get over THE PIN! If you exhume Abe Lincoln what do you expect to find? Bones and an American Flag PIN? Let us, as a nation, Move ON.
Next up: Iraq
HRC's: gonna pull off some hardcore tough-love and withdraw troops no matta what, y'all!
Obama's: gonna walk on water across the Persian Gulf to just end the whole god damn thing!
Then it's on to Iran: and both are NO NUKES for Iran.
Which only makes me think Obama's now going to need an American flag pin, a No Nukes pin AND a Yes We Can pin, which puts him on par with and 1990s FLAIR standard of anyTGIFriday's employee.
Which brings us to TAXES!
Obama: taxes bad. The Rich don't need anymore tax breaks when fuel cost are high and food costs are rising. Also: reduce the demand of oil in America.
ME: Dear Obama-please drive 37 miles west of Hyde Park some day and try to say that to every asshole still driving a Hummer in the Western suburbs of Chicago. For serious.
HRC: Raise capital Gains tax above 20%? Need to take a closer exact look of the exact situation when I am in office. Because I only remember the 90s when we had a surplus instead of today's deficit?
ME: Ah, yes! The 90s! Surplus! Chocolate fountains and dot com start-up money to buy Areon chairs for all! Also, Coolio, The Macarena and oh, The Backstreet Boys. Let us be real.
Next topic- GUNS!
HRC: Met with lots of Pennsylvanians who love their guns, but love their guns PROPERLY. We should only have guns if we can love them as properly as the Pennsylvanians, yo. Did I mention I met with a shit-ton of gun-toting truckers for beer and a shot of Wild Turkey after that elitist made his bible-thumper comment?
Obama: Talks about the guns in the general public use as far as hunting goes and the tradition of the 2nd amendment and “But you also have the reality of what’s happening here in Philadelphia and what’s happening in Chicago.” And he refers to life on the South Side of Chicago.
ME: HOWEVER, fails to mention over 20 students have been shot dead this school year alone by guns in Chicago. Seriously, if you are gonna do a Chicago shout-out, please remember all the families and all the people who voted you to the Senate to make things right on your home turf for just a minute, ok? Just at least pretend for a second.
Then closing comments: Both say, I'm ok, you're ok, BUT America is so NO OK. Let's make America Ok.
So fine, I'm all glib and shit all I can really say is, there was some very nice comments about how, while neither is prepared to make each other a VP candidate should either get nominated--there should totes be a Dem in the White House.
Look, (hee-hee, check me out starting every statement like Obama does when he's asked The Tough Questions) while I undoubtedly feel the moderators were REDICK with questioning tonight, I ultimately feel at this point: and you expect what? Without any complete defining issues between their platforms (and feel free to send me an email on their huge differences to annfrankenstein [at] yahoo.com subject line: THAT MORE OF THE SAME BITCH VERSUS THE APOSTLE OF HOPE) I can totally see why these crazy "issues" were the debates topics of the eve.
Peter Jennings is taking off his I Heart ABC News pin in his grave as we speak. I am just saying.
And all glib aside, just to be clear, just as both noms seem to have come to terms with it tonight: I will fight the most ridiculous fight I can to get either of them in the White House come Nov. Even if it means pelting Hummer drivers with American flag pins no matter where I go.
On a final note, and this is very serious, the ONE THING you know you can take from tonight's debate: expect the Obama character on the next SNL debate skit to be wearing ONE HUGE, if not several AMERICAN FLAG PINS.
If not the whole Appollo Creed silky American flag boxer shorts, top hat and cape.
*this quote I will totally record to be my new ringtone.