Although I did not cross the border into Indiana to buy a ticket to partake in the Lotto Fevah that has recently swept the handful of states involved, this morning, while I was blow drying my hair, I totally played: WWAFMMD?
That is: What Would Ann-Frank Multi-Millionaire Do?
Money spent while blow drying hair:
1. At least a Million On Fun
Well, good intentions and Organized Charities aside, you know there’s going to be a party. A huge party where Open Bar lasts for days, there is never a Last Call and friends get to jump in a kiddy ball-crawl type area where instead of hurling themselves into half-inflated nerf balls, they get the chance to roll around in The Benjamin’s.
2. Hundreds and thousands of dollars paying off friends’ student loans.
I figure this is not technically giving them money to feed off of their entire lives so they never work again and become junkies (which, by the way was my mother’s reasoning for not giving me any money should she ever win the lottery. Apparently, she is certain I would immediately become a useless intravenous drug-user or something. Hello, mom! Junkie? I do not even smoke The Pot anymore!) Anyway, doing this just gives my friends a fresh start so any money they earn from then on is not spent on debt and is theirs to keep and spend on homes, their childrens’ education, hookers and blow.
1. At least a million on traveling. Lots of it.
Feh! More like, where NOT!
I AM A MULTI-MILLIONAIR(E) WHO CARES!
(ann-frank the worst speller in the world asks: does that word millionaire have an 'e' on the end? Who cares! According to Sharon Osbourne in her 20/20 prime time teevee interview, her children do not go to school because if you have enough money, who needs schooling?! Schooling is an antiquated status thing!)
Anyway, going along with that theme, I would make my recently paid-off student loan friends take vacations with me.
Flight/food and board my dime, of course.
They would only have to use their hard-earned money for the hookers and blow!
3. Millions and millions spent on property. Lots of it.
EVERYWHERE! I am sure there is a little place in any city with my name written all ovah it. Nothing with cattle roaming the rugged plains, though. I harbor no Go West Rancher Fantasies. Leafy Woodsy Areas, with a well-stocked grocery store/library less than 25 miles away, always welcome.
4. Find someway to leave the nephew assloads of money so he is taken care of for the rest of his life, but not in a way that enables him never to achieve anything and become, you know, a spoiled trust-fund nouveau-bum.
(Okay so, this … now I see my mom's point but I remember her specifically saying JUNKIE when we talked about this so hello! Mom! I may drink quite a bit but I do not think I am anywhere close to rating “junkie!”)
And so … this went on and on for a bit in my mind, but by the time I got done blow drying my hair, I got all sad because it was then I realized that any potential mate that would come in to my life from that ann-frank becomes a Multi-Millionaire point-on would inevitably want me only for my money (goddamn you FOX TEEVEE! Goddamn you The Bachelor!).
So you know, that would be fun for awhile in a Holly Hunter Hires HOTT Male Masseuse to her Fancy-Pants NYC Penthouse To Rub Her Down and More in the Living Out Loud movie kind of way, but eventually, I'd want someone around because I make dumb jokes and I snort sometimes when I laugh, you know?
Even my fantasies are problematic! Sad!
But not really, because damnit, reality is an important factor in any fun-making.
For instance, my birthday is on Sunday. The Official Birthday Party is on Saturday night. I live in the smallest apartment on the planet. I have approx. 350 square feet of “mingling room”;
I have approximately 25 people coming over to celebrate.
Does this leave like, 2 inches for people to lift their cocktails comfortably, or what?
If anything, this is the reason for the American Lotto Dream.
Hire someone to do the Math.
Or buy a bigger boat.
Shit, was Sharon Osbourne on to something?