It’s like the perfect storybook moment that I just could not make up if I tried.
Okay, I could try.
You could try. We all could try.
We could all write it as this perfect cliché moment, but no one would really believe it when they read it, right? I mean, because it’s just too … just too cliché. Like dramatic ellipsis in a diaryland entry!
Guy on cell phone driving the Lexus S-U-Vhatever-it-was aggressively rides my bumper for three blocks. He swerves from behind me into the next lane cutting off another car, until he can swerve inches from my bumper back into my lane right in front of me. Only so he can sit at the red light along with me, only about 3 feet ahead of me. Never mind he is almost clipped my bumper. He is on his cell phone, man! And he is ahead! Ahead of me! That is what matters. AHEAD! Ahead of me in his SUV! Hell yeah! Never mind any Lexus is like, an overpriced Toyota (dude, you know Lexus makes the engines for the biggest joke on the road, the Toyota ECHO, right?) He is ahead of me! And he has places to go! And things to do!
And I can totally tell, because as he sits 3 feet in front of me in his superior- driver-pole-position, he stares me down in his side mirror. He takes off his shitty Tom Cruise Top Gun Highway to the Danger Zone mirrored sunglasses, lights up a cigarette and dangles said cigarette jauntily out of his open window. And he stares at me, you know, so he can make sure I am watching his cool moves with the cigarette. And I can see it man. He is so cool. Especially when he dangles that cigarette out of the window. Because on that cigarette-dangling-wrist I can see the yellow rubber band. You know, the ubiquitous yellow rubber Lance Armstrong LIVE STRONG band?
That’s right, dude. LIVE STRONG! Live every day like it’s your last! Wooo! Drive it like you stole it! Smoke it like Big Tabacco’s your bitch! Drink it like it’s your last spring break EVER! Wooo! Never mind you’re like, 48!
Oh, and while you’re at it? After the light we’re sitting at turns green, pull up into that Starbucks like you’re the dumb fuck in a Lexus we’d expect you to be.
Because after all that? He totally did.
p.s. LIVE STRONG! WOOO!