Do me a favor and never ever ever ever ask me to be your Maid of Honor, please?
I’ve mentioned it before, my sister’s getting married and the wedding is already this Friday if you can believe that.
And it is only now that I realize what a sucky maid of honor I am.
I do not have the trinkets ready. I do not the ingredients for the pre-wedding mimosa ready, I do not all of the other ladies in the wedding coordinated and prepared for the rehearsal tomorrow night.
The shoes I finally caved in and bought are the incredibly uncomfortable and extremely ugly “Dyables” any lady who has ever been in a wedding is way too familiar with.
And they shrunk when they were dyed.
So I have been wearing for the past two hours in a last ditch attempt to stretch them out - mumbling to myself as I try to prepare a coherent speech for the toast that will hopefully endear as oppose to embarrass.
Get the picture?
Let me help you – basically I’ve been teetering around my apartment in my PJ’s and three inch heels clacking around on the hard wood floors murmuring cheesy lines like “as you slide down the banister of life – may the splinters never be facing the wrong way!”... Like I am Miss Crack Pipe USA gearing up for the Flannel Pajamas competition.
Dude, if I were outside and had a shopping cart – I’d be the crazy lady outside the Jewel grocery store.
Unrelated – the new Kid Rock album came out today and I only mention this because a fellow at work bought it and has been playing it non-stop.
I don’t even have to go into the reasons why Kid Rock is the grossest human being on earth, do I?
No, instead I will point out Kid Rock is his own worst enemy with a sampling of some lyrics from one of his new “songs”:
I take the punk rock
and I mix it with the hip-hop
Gonna rock you higher than a tree top
Stop. Right. There.
Rock you higher than a tree top?.
Dude, I am no P. Diddy. I ain’t no Dre, I know like, two Jay Z songs.
But those aren’t exactly what you’d call “mad rhyming skillz”, are they?
Call me the crazy old lady outside the Jewel, but are the kids really shelling out $18.99 at fargging Sam Goodey for that crap?
p.s. thanks to CuppaJoe for the12% Beer props! When you go there tell rudey and the others they're tops!