In case there was any doubt over whether or not today was a slow day, let me answer: yes it was.
And in case there was any doubt over whether or not I have a sometimes cruel and unusual sense of humor the answer is: yes, yes I do.
And I know it’s terrible. I do have a barbed tongue that gets me into a lot of trouble. But, I’ve realized in order to get along, you just have to toss it back and forth.
I spent most of the afternoon harassing my friend/cubemate/boss Matt about his Ebay feedback.
He’s not technically one of those hardcore “Ebay community members”. I mean, he not the hardcore ebayer who can’t look at an object without automatically assessing it’s inherent Ebay price tag or whatnot.
But he’s participated in quite a few auctions over the years. He’s got some feedback. Actually quite a bit of feedback.
All of which is good.
Except for one itty-bitty-teeny-weeny blemish.
He got a “neutral” rating on something a few years ago, when he first began buying stuff off of Ebay. There was some sort of slow payment snafu or something that earned my pal Matt one “nuetral” rating in a enormous sea of positive feedback.
Which we all know in the real world - is not a big deal at all.
But that one itty-bitty neutral bugs the shit out of him.
I mean, he can barely stand to look at it.
It is the bane of his Ebay existence.
Which he has been involved in full force lately. He’s been in the process of auctioning off quite a few items. And he’s been talking in the cube non-stop about the barrage of e-mails he’s been getting asking him all sorts of annoying questions about the stuff he is selling. Most of the e-mails ask questions about stuff he is not selling.
“do you have this size?”
"will you be selling more in the future?”
“If you tell me the reserve I will buy it right now.”
“If no one buys it, I’ll take it for …”
And I know how much he gets into this shit once the auctions are rolling.
So I sent him the following e-mail. Under my Ebay user name. And he even knows full well what my Ebay user name is…
I’ve noticed some of your auctions on Ebay and I can tell you are a man of extraordinary taste in _____ . Looking over your items I can tell you may have future auctions that I’d be willing to participate in and pay upfront 150% above your asking reserve price.
However I am a little concerned about the tiny little blemish on your feedback. It seems all auctions have gone over so well – where did you go wrong? How could you let that happen?
Please send me full details and explain why such a blemish is on such an exemplary record, and if I find the explanation satisfactory, maybe we can do business in the future.
He didn’t realize until he got to the last paragraph the e-mail was from me.
Then he screamed.
He. Was. Pissed.
So he threw a pen at me and yelled “you are gonna die a lonely old lady!”
So I threw the pen back and I was all, “Nuh-uuuh! No way! The Meals on Wheels people will keep me company!”
Because, you know, I think I just might be ever so slightly allergic to cats.