People really go apeshit over their electronics.
I know this because I, the World’s Worst Consumer, wound up inside a Circuit City at 6:00 this morning, dodging all sorts of people pushing and shoving each other around, blinded by the ‘lectronics lust in their eyes.
You’d think they’d never seen a big screen TV before.
Look, I hate shopping. Always have. And ever since I’d heard about my friend’s cousin’s best friend’s mother-in-law’s lost pinkie toe in the Great Day After American Thanksgiving Cabbage Patch Incident of ‘82 I’ve never even considered going out on the worst day of consumerism in my life, but considering I didn’t sleep at all last night, when 5:00am rolled around I was kinda looking for something to do. And I’d remembered someone from work mentioning all Circuit City CDs were going to be marked down to $10 and who doesn’t like a ten buck CD?
Well, hello I just answered my own question there, didn’t I? Because that answer is “nobody” and every single nobody was out to buy stuff this morning.
Never one to a. shop in general or b. be up way early in the morning unless it’s from an all night bender, I always thought those stories were like, great folklore, told to by the Hardcore shoppers keep people like me, the weak consumers out of the way.
Well I am here to tell you it’s true. It’s all true. Yes, the parking lot was completely full at 6:00am. Yes, the doors were just opening when I got there at 6:00am, but the line that wrapped around the building was clearly filled with people who’d been there since at least 5:00am.
And yes, just like you’ve always heard, once the door open the people really do stampede their way in because big screen TVs are just like, $500! FLAT SCREEN TVs ONLY $800! COMPUTERS ONLY $400!
Hell, the $40 DVD player I bought for my best friend’s birthday last week was now marked down to $30 and even though I don’t need a DVD player and I don’t really know anyone else who does I was [this] close to picking one up BECAUSE OH MY GOD IT WAS ONLY $30! THIRTY DOLLARS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! IF ANYONE EVER ASKED WHERE I GOT THAT DVD PLAYER I COULD FOREVER AND ALWAYS BRAG, OH HELL, IT WAS ONLY THIRTY DOLLARS!
Which is really when I realized it was time for me to go. Once the World’s Worst Consumer starts buying superfluous electronics just because they are cheap! Cheap! Cheap! I know I am one step away from being that lady on the news who has to build an addition to her house because her already huge house and garage is literally filled with craptacular crap all sitting around collecting dust all unused with its original price tags still intact just because it was on sale because ohmygodhowcanyoupassupasale?
So yeah, instead I headed home then walked to the coffee shop down the street where I sat and drank hot coffee and read the paper in the quiet and watched dawn break through the windows with all of the Shopping Widowers left behind for the morning.
Which is really what I should have done in the first place, but you know, I had to try it once.
But now, I think it’s time to go back to bed. And pretend it was allllll just a dream! a bad dream!