Well holy shit. Another Christmas come and gone and I am a few pairs of socks better for it. You?
The holiday was fun enough. I got to spend a lot of time with my new niece. That is, my sister finally had her baby which is, you know, AWESOME. The kid is only a couple of weeks old but I already had my crack at baby-watching while my sister ran out to grab a few Christmas-things this past Friday. Which was nice for me, however I wasn’t sure how many more baby-watching opportunities I may have had in the future as my sister came home just in time to catch me trying one of my slightly unorthodox but patented Sleep, Baby, Sleep! methods on her crying child.
That is, she came home to catch me leaning over my niece’s crib getting all Buddhist in her baby’s ear humming, “Oooooommmmmm …….. Ooooooommmmmmm …… OOOOOOooommmmm ….”
I am telling you people, it sounds a bit cracky, but back in my early teenaged babysitting years, when parents were crazy enough to pay a 13 year old girl a buck an hour to watch their 6 month old kid so they could go out and get drunk at key parties or whatever they did back then, it totally worked.
Totally worked then, totally works now. That low Oooommmm hum in a baby’s ear is like umm, baby crack or something because it works just about every time.
Until your sister comes banging through the door making all sorts of noise waking the baby up from her near-nirvana sleep.
So once the baby was up again, I had to start all over. And after taking my screaming little niece in my arms and rocking her and holding her to my chest and Oooommming for another 3 minutes, that little kid was sawin’ logs. And even though she now thinks I am a bit of a nutter, my sister is now a bit of a believer. I can’t wait till I catch her trying it out. Because I know it is only a matter of time when I catch her doing the same thing over the baby monitor.
So anyway, that is one thing I learned in my freshman year of high school’s World Religions class. “Ooooommmm,” works wonders. Well, that and also where all the good head shops in my hometown are. You know, to buy incense burners and such.
So, hope your holiday was good, too. And hey—don’t rest yet, there’s another Big Holiday coming up and I am not talking about the New Year. If you know anything about ann-frank.diaryland.com you know it is I like to make a Big Fucking Deal over my birthday and this year is no different. You know, because the birthday falls between two big holidays, neglected child, blah blah blah.
But this year. This year will be awesome. Because this year I’ve got a huge crew of over 30 people or so show all showing up at a bar all ready and willing to make asses of themselves singing Pavement and Beastie Boys and Pat Benetar and Clash cover songs in front of a real, live band the bar hires to do such things.
That’s right, this year we’re celebrating with LIVE! BAND! KARAOKE!
It’s really gonna be fun. At least it better be. Because quite frankly after this go around, it just might be time to declare myself officially too old for this shit making it time for this Dance Commander to maybe hang up her megaphone and act like, well, however a lady of a certain age is supposed to act. Whatever that means.
Well, maybe I will keep the megaphone. That way I can yell a lot louder at the kids who throw their fucking soccer ball in my yard while I chuck my PBR empties at them. Much more dignified.
So, until then--here’s to one helluva shame spiral come Friday morning, as Thursday night I’ll be the loud-mouth “singing” The Pixies’ Gigantic, pissing off the house band when I forget the words and just start yelling, “Dance, you fuckers! Dance!”
Wish me luck.